If I Fall
by claire-kay
Summary: All Kieron wants if for John Paul to tell everyone the truth. But why isn't he so willing? One Shot.


**John Paul & Kieron future story.**

**Kieron wonders how long John Paul will keep everything a secret.**

* * *

Kieron turned on his side and pulled the covers up higher, a cold chill running through him. He kept his eyes closed, listening to the soft breathing in and out, allowing the feeling of comfort wash over him as a hand rested on his side pushing him forward to meet the warm body lying opposite him.

He sighed happy, contented as the hand moved to his back as they moved closer together. He kept his eyes closed but leaned his face closer, aware of the eyes that were looking at him, waiting for him to wake up. He opened one eye slowly, two blue eyes looking back at him, a small satisfied smile that he was finally awake.

"How long have you been awake?"

Kieron felt John Paul's body shift closer to his own again. "About five minutes. I was wondering what you'd resort to, to wake me up"

"Well you'll never know now will you?" John Paul smiled wickedly as he leaned forward, Kieron contemplated keeping up the resistance, but knew it was pointless and knew he really didn't want, he leaned forward into the kiss, wrapping his arms around John Paul, rolling on his back and pulling him on top of him.

John Paul pulled away suddenly "We have to get up and get ready" Kieron tried to grab hold of his arm as John Paul jumped up out of bed, but he was too quick and was already across the room pulling clothes out the wardrobe.

Kieron sat up and watched John Paul go about his routine the same as usual, he smiled to himself remembering countless conversations when he had teased John Paul continuously about his morning routine and if he could ever contemplate not sticking to it just once. It had been like this for months now, the two of them just like this. In his life Kieron had never once imagined being this happy. That he would ever connect with another person, a feeling he had given up on a long time ago.

He couldn't even explain what it was about John Paul that had drawn him in, why he had been so captivated by him. But he had. And everything that had happened since they met he wouldn't take back for anything.

There were however things he would change right now. The fact that even though he had left the priesthood, their relationship was still somewhat a secret. A decision that John Paul had made, and at the time Kieron had agreed, some time was needed. But now months later all Kieron wanted to do was to stop hiding away. John Paul's family and Kris knew, but other than that no one.

If they went out it was still a secret to everyone else, and all Kieron wanted to do was have everyone know that he and John Paul were together. But every time he bought it up to John Paul would quickly change the subject.

Kieron continued to watch him as John Paul peeled off the t-shirt he had been wearing in bed. Sometimes he wasn't entirely sure what John Paul saw in him, and he wondered every time he caught John Paul gazing off lost in thought, where exactly he was. What he was thinking about. Even though they had spoken a lot, shared so many things, he couldn't help but think that John Paul was holding something back. That the reason he didn't want to tell everyone they were together was because he wasn't ready to accept it himself.

"You enjoying the show?" John Paul smiled as he threw a towel over his shoulder and threw the t-shirt in Kieron's direction. Kieron couldn't help but smile despite his fears. There were moments when it was perfect, like now. When John Paul was here with him completely, the two of them comfortable with one another.

"John Paul. I want to tell everyone"

John Paul paused for a moment and turned away. Kieron knew exactly what was coming next, but he couldn't let it be like every other time. He didn't want to carry on like this.

"Kieron, not now eh? You know what Mum will be like if we're late..."

"Stop avoiding this conversation John Paul. I'm tired of having to hide this relationship. You were the one who said you didn't want to be someone's secret, and I didn't want to have to hide from my feelings for you, but yet here we are. Months later, with nothing stopping us from telling everyone"

Kieron looked rested his hands in his lap and leant against the wall behind him. John Paul was still facing away, motionless.

"Is it me... I mean... if you're ashamed of me or something..."

John Paul spun round instantly and as Kieron looked up he could see John Paul moving quickly towards the bed, sitting down opposite him, grabbing hold of his hands. "I am _not_ ashamed of you" Kieron looked down at the hands entwined, then he saw John Paul's move away and take hold of his face forcing him to look into John Paul's eyes. "You understand me, its not that"

"Then what is it?"

John Paul looked away. It had been like every time before, he knew he wouldn't get an answer from him. He never did. John Paul had always mumbled about it not being the right time, or they needed to wait a while longer. And Kieron had waited, hoping that eventually the time would come when he wouldn't have to anymore.

There was only one name in his head now. Over and over again it was all he could think of. Stories from Kris, comments from John Paul's sisters. Nothing much ever being said, but the looks that were exchanged when that one name was spoken said it all.

"Is this about Craig?"

John Paul's face snapped up again once more. Kieron had suspected John Paul might be angry at the mention of the name, but most of the time whenever someone said that name he looked sad, guilty almost. And now the same look held in his eyes, a long with a mixture of disappointment and questioning.

"I'm not an idiot John Paul. Every time someone mentions his name you should see the look on your face. I asked Kris about it one day..."

John Paul shook his head "And let me guess he filled you in right?"

"Not really. He told me some stuff, but mostly he told me to talk to you about it"

"And why didn't you?"

"I am now"

John Paul sighed heavily and rested his hands back on top of Kieron's, looking down at them, holding on.

"Kieron, Craig... he was... his the first person I ever fell in love with. The first person to break my heart. He was my best friend. In amongst all of that were somethings that I did that I'm not exactly proud of, somethings that I regret. But the most important of that is the first part, I can't go back and change any of the things I did, all I can take is the memories of the good things. I love Craig. I don't think that's ever going to change. But that's not what this is about..."

Kieron searched John Paul's face, he could finally see behind all those moments when it seemed like John Paul was somewhere else, he could see it all coming out now.

"I'm crazy about you Kieron, I love what we have. I don't know where its going to go, and I like that. I don't want you to think that I'm holding back with you because of what I had with someone else..."

"Then why are you holding back?"

Kieron felt John Paul release his hands and stand up slowly moving away from the bed. "I need you to talk to me John Paul because... you know how I feel about you. I never imagined I'd feel this way about anyone. I accepted a long time ago that it just wasn't something I'd ever have, and I thought I was okay with that and then I met you and everything changed. But if it's just me, and you aren't wanting to be with me, then just tell me..."

"That's not what it is" Kieron stood up and moved towards John Paul, turning him around "I do want to be with you Kieron"

"Then what is it?" Kieron rested his hand on John Paul's cheek. He leant against his hand, closing his eyes.

"I'm terrified" John Paul's eyes opened slowly to meet Kieron's. "When I'm with you I feel really happy, if we're just sitting around talking, you making stupid jokes that aren't really funny, I feel happy. Then this feeling sets in, this fear that knows I'm going to do something to mess it all up. You know why me and Craig finished, because I left him. He needed me and I walked away, because I was afraid, I had this stupid fear that he would never be able to be with me how I wanted him to be, and I couldn't even be there for him at the time when he needed me more than anything. And I do it all the time. I am so comfortable with it now, I never really let anyone get that close Kieron. I end up hurting them. You gave up everything for me, and I'm not worthy of it. I'm terrified because what if I just end up hurting you to"

"John Paul, first of all I don't... I don't really know anything about you and Craig, I don't know what went on or anything, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Him leaving, you walking away and you and me meeting. All of it means something, maybe right now we can't say why or what for, but I do believe that. Do you think that I'm not scared as well? I'm just as terrified" Kieron stepped closer, he wrapped his arms securely around John Paul's waist "But then you know I think about you and I don't know it makes it that little bit less scary. Also, you _are_ worth it"

John Paul sighed and leaned his head forward resting it on Kieron's shoulder, Kieron rested his head on John Paul's and closed his eyes.

"I've been a complete idiot haven't I?"

Kieron moved away and at John Paul, whose eyes were now looking directly at him.

"No. I knew something was wrong. I think I'm the idiot, I thought maybe you were having second thoughts or something"

John Paul shook his head "Not a chance"

"And about telling everyone, if you aren't ready its fine, whenever you feel you want to, all that matters is we're together right?" Kieron smiled widely, he realised now it wasn't so much about telling everyone, but more about his insecurities with John Paul, the fear that he was pulling away and that he might lose him.

"No. You're right. I never wanted to hide this away, but for some weird reason, the longer we left it, the easier it seemed to be, the more my fears just kept getting bigger and maybe what we need to do is just tell everyone... what will they think of me now eh?"

John Paul smiled, but Kieron could see a real concern behind his eyes "Do you really care?"

Kieron leaned in closer, as he watched John Paul process the question, the realisation showing across his face almost instantly "No actually. I don't" He leant forward closing the gap between them, pressing his lips against Kieron's.

Kieron gripped onto him tighter than before, moving backwards to the bed, lifting John Paul with his as he did. The two of them fell backwards, their mouths still moving against one anothers. Kieron felt John Paul's hands move from his face down his arms, resting at the hem of his shirt before he broke away from the kiss and clumsily pulled it over Kieron's head.

Their lips soon crashing against one anothers ago, growing more urgent. Kieron pushed John Paul away slightly.

"John Paul... we can't, we promised your Mum" It didn't sound nearly half as convincing as it should have.

John Paul moved his hands slowly up Kieron's stomach and across his chest, watching as he did so, then Kieron looked at his face, two blue eyes meeting his, finally there with him, he could see that there was nowhere else John Paul wanted to be.


End file.
